Most blokes I know can talk under wet cement once they get going. Getting going is the hard bit. You’re on the sideline at junior footy next to a dad you’ve never met, or at a work Christmas do where the only two people you know are busy, and your mind goes completely blank.
So out comes the phone. Everyone does it.
Starting a conversation is a skill, though, not something you’re born with or without, and a few researchers have spent years working out what actually happens when strangers talk. Their findings are more reassuring than you’d expect, and they line up nicely with what works at an Aussie barbecue.
Why it feels harder than it is
Behavioural scientists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder at the University of Chicago ran a simple experiment on commuter trains and buses. Some people were asked to strike up a chat with a stranger, some to sit quietly, and some to do whatever they normally did. Beforehand, most people predicted that talking to a stranger would be the least enjoyable option. It ended up being the most enjoyable. In a later study in a waiting room, the people on the receiving end enjoyed the chat as well. It held for introverts and extroverts alike. The main thing stopping us, the researchers found, is that we wrongly assume the other person doesn’t want to talk.
A separate team from Cornell, Harvard, Yale and the University of Essex found what they called the “liking gap”. After a chat with someone new, people reliably underestimate how much the other person liked them and enjoyed their company. You drive home replaying the joke that fell flat, while the other bloke has already decided you were good value.
So most people are keener to chat than they look, and you probably came across better than you think. That’s worth remembering the next time you’re standing there with nothing to say.
How to start
The easiest way in is to say something about what’s in front of you both, then ask a question that’s easy to answer. You don’t need a clever line. You’re just signalling that you’re up for a yarn.
On the sideline at kids’ sport, “Which one’s yours?” does the job, and once they’ve pointed, “How long’s he been playing?” keeps it rolling.
At a barbecue, “How do you know the hosts?” works almost every time, because everyone there has an answer.
With a new bloke on site, try “You new on this job? Where were you before this?”
At the pub, a comment on the footy on the telly is fair game, or ask what’s worth trying on tap. It’s one of the few places where chatting to a stranger is completely normal.
At a work do, “What part of the business are you in? I don’t think we’ve crossed paths” gives them a lot more to work with than “What do you do?”
It also helps to put your name out there early. “I’m Dan, by the way” makes it easy for them to give theirs back. Use it once or twice in the chat and you’re much more likely to remember it next time.
If you’re joining a group rather than one person, stand at the edge, listen for a minute, and come in on whatever they’re already talking about. Jumping in with a brand new topic usually lands like a dropped tray of glasses.
How to keep it going
Most chats don’t die at the start. They die after the second question, when there’s a silence and both of you are scrambling for something to say.
The best fix is the follow-up question. Researchers at Harvard studied conversations between strangers, including real speed dates, and found that people who asked more questions were better liked, especially when those questions followed on from what the other person had just said. Speed daters who asked more follow-ups were more likely to land a second date. Funnily enough, people didn’t predict that asking questions would make them more likable.
So listen for something in their answer and ask about that. If they mention they’ve just been camping, don’t launch straight into your own camping story. Ask where they went, whether they’d go back, how they went with the weather. Once they’ve had a fair go, then share yours. You want it to feel like a backyard cricket rally, not a job interview, so give a bit of yourself as you go.
If your mind still goes blank, go back to something they said earlier. “You mentioned you’d just started at a new place. How’s that going?” It shows you were listening, and it buys you a few minutes.
And put the phone away. Nothing shuts down a chat faster than someone sneaking a look at their screen.
What to talk about, and what to leave for later
With someone new, the easy topics are the things around you: the event, the venue, the weather, the footy, the kids’ game, plans for the weekend, a recent trip, where they grew up.
Footy is about the best icebreaker going in this country, with one catch. Find out which code and which team they follow before you start having a go. A bit of rivalry is half the fun, but bagging their team before you know their name isn’t a great look.
Most people would rather leave politics, religion and money until they know you better. They’re not banned, they’re just a lot to dump on someone you met five minutes ago.
How to get out of a conversation
This is the part nobody teaches you. A Harvard team led by Adam Mastroianni studied more than 900 conversations and found that they almost never ended when both people wanted them to. Only about 2% did. Most people wanted to wrap up earlier or keep going longer, and neither side had much idea what the other one wanted.
So don’t feel guilty about moving on. Leave on a positive note, give a simple reason and go. “Good to meet you. I’d better go find the family before they send out a search party.” Or “I’ll let you get back to it. Enjoy the rest of the game.” Or just “I’m grabbing another drink. Great chatting, mate.”
Nobody takes that the wrong way, and plenty of the time they were looking for a way to wrap it up too.
When the chat gets real
Every so often, a bit of small talk turns into something bigger. A mate you haven’t seen in a while mentions things have been tough, or someone at work starts opening up about what’s going on at home. When that happens, forget about technique and just listen. I’ve written a separate piece on mateship and how to check in on a mate who isn’t OK, which covers what to say and where to point them for help.
Try it this week
Next time you’d normally reach for your phone, at the servo, on the sideline or at a barbecue, say something to the person next to you instead. One comment, one question. If the research is anything to go by, it’ll go better than you expect, and they’ll probably like you more than you think.
Cheers.